I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
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It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins