Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

huge if true: the moon

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

Greeting humans vs their dogs

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

Breaking news:

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

Found the job I’m suited for

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

Start the year as you intend to continue.

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener