@sadhatterskwrl

I can only ruin a handful of men’s lives at one time THERE’S ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY PEOPLE I AM NOT CONGRESS!!

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@GavinProbably

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

@mxmclain

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

@DanMentos

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

@mommajessiec

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

@leakypod

[first day as a zoo tour guide]

kid: do giraffes eat clouds

me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho

@dril

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

@TheDreamGhoul

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

@Angibangie

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

@JimGaffigan

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”