I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I can only ruin a handful of men’s lives at one time THERE’S ONLY SO MANY HOURS IN A DAY PEOPLE I AM NOT CONGRESS!!
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If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[first day as a zoo tour guide]
kid: do giraffes eat clouds
me: yea i think so [sees coworker shaking head at me] they shake the rain out of them first tho
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”