A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
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Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Cheers Twitter.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop