I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
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Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Just say no
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality