I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
You Might Also Like
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.