Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

Did my fruit just move?

Pear-anormal activity

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.