i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
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“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.