‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
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I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.