Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down