Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer