‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
You Might Also Like
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.