Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

also my go-to takeaway order

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.