Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

I want to meet the individual who made this

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.