Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

me opening up to someone

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

my fav colour is also hitler

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

My dream job is getting paid to dream

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.