Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

☠️☠️☠️

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.