Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

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*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.