I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
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*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad