Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese