I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …