I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
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My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof