I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
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*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell
TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?
Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”