Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I