Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

#polloftheday

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go