I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
🥴😂
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.