I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
