I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
You Might Also Like
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
