I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Have a lovely day 😊
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?