Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

*throws goods on conveyor belt*

Cashier: is that all sir?

Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge