I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
You Might Also Like
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Well, this is awkward
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”