Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?

Me: Four-

Dr: okay

Me: -teen

Dr:

Me: -ish.

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

“i miss shittin on people”

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner