I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
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Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end