Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

White parent Vs Arab parents

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *