I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
You Might Also Like
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Lol
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
That’s enough internet for the day
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
When your parents check you’re ok.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.