I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
You Might Also Like
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Otters see a butterfly.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”