Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me