Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*