Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git

gynecologist: stop that

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

twitter is a journey

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues