Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.

Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.

Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!