I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
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Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
Breaking news:
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Vodka burrito was a success
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Succinctly put.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die