Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

Perfection.

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax

[5 minutes later]

me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

Life hack

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE