I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
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My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
wtf is a larm clock?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!