I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
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I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.