Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

A short story about romance.

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever