i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.


HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.


It’s freezing in my office, I wish I owned a Samsung Note 7.


People fear what they don’t understand:

4th grade math word problems


2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.