I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
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HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
It’s freezing in my office, I wish I owned a Samsung Note 7.
People fear what they don’t understand:
4th grade math word problems
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Diversity: “I have a boyfriend”
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
A band of aggravated businessmen is also known as a “LinkedIn Park”.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.