Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now