I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
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ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”