Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse