i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
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The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
This kid will have a bright future.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.