Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”

– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day

*me

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

*seductively eats two tums*

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”