I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
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I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
How much for the goth pool noodles?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.