I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
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You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what