I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
You Might Also Like
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.