I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.