Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

The future is now.

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

🤣

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

A Roomba, but to shave my legs.

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

thank god the sign was there

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it