I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
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Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My blood type is coffee.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I’m not wrong
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My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Pot warmers of the day.
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Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic