I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
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God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
💀🤣
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.