I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
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Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
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Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
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Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
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Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what