I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
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TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer