Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re adopted

Ted: What? How long have I been a dop

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

[at DMV]

Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first

Guy in line: that’s not a thing!

Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu

Guy: wha-

Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*

Clerk: cup or cone

Me: cone pls 🙂

Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

I know

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.