I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
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Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
My kitchen overserved me.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Thank you for sharing that story with us, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go boil my soul.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.