Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

[8 AM]

Me: Time to wake up.

[13 HOURS LATER]

Me: Time to go to bed.

Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.