Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Looking at you, Jesus.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you