I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
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Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[montage of me giving-up]
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.