Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

#damn

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner