Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning