Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”