I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
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I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
When I can’t barge, I careen.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.